Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
How it started How it’s going
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.