[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write