Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock