Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.