you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
man i love columbo
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.