I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me