i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
When he asks for feet pics
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint