Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
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I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning