Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye