My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*