I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
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Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.