I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
This is the best one I’ve seen
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.