Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
me after eating Cheetos
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot