Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.