You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.