[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
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me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Just a friendly reminder!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.