You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5