You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!