When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
You Might Also Like
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!