Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ