ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
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[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen