Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.