Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I hate my earbuds.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
War & Peace
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Are you ok, human???
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.