my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.