[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.