I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
mentally somewhere in italy
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
what day is it?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.