Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”