won’t smith
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.