9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool