not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up