I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
my astrological sign is a french fry
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Someone just threatened to call me later
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.