So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
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i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.