How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 馃槉馃檶馃帀
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Stooooppp!!! 馃槀馃槀
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Based on 2020 thus far, I鈥檓 expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.