She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper