I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
🛁
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.