It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
This rocks
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.