It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Hero horse inspires millions
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server