(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I feel it
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
this chia pet tastes awful
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.