One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud