MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
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My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.