Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“You’d better run, egg!”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.