{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.