I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.