Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂