I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
You Might Also Like
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Lmfaoooooo
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?