I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth