Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”