google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*