He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.