A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
You Might Also Like
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.